***UPDATE: Although I scooped Stephen Colbert on this one (take that, Stephen Colbert!!!), he does my joke better. Of course, I loosened it for him:
“If we give your daughters and granddaughters access to birth control, they will instantly turn into wanton harlots with insatiable sexual appetites. Because you know women — they’re always on the edge of nymphomaniacal orgiastic abandon. …They’ll pick up the prescription, pop a pill, then bone the pharmacist, the stock boy, and everybody in line for the bus. Why? Because the birth control was paid for by the government.”
Come on, laugh with me, because this is too preposterous to cry over. To have an oh, so reasonable discussion about the move to have health care reform cover birth control for women, Fox News invited Family PAC Vice President Sandy Rios to balance (remember, they’re fair and balanced!) arguments by former Women’s Media Center president Jehmu Greene that the facts support greater access to birth control.
Predictably, Rios offered something much more diverting than facts:
Why in the world would you encourage your daughters, and your granddaughters, and whoever else comes behind you to have unrestricted, unlimited sex anytime, anywhere…?
Having a baby is not the worst thing. I think having multiple sex partners without any kind of restraint or responsibility is much more damning, why would you support that?
It’s funny, the way I remember it, a lot of discussion and decision-making went into my first sexual relationship and our commitments regarding pregnancy and family planning. But now I realize that in pursuing birth control, I was actually hankering after “unrestricted, unlimited sex anytime, anywhere,” with anyone! Because that is what birth control does, really.